Twirling Toward Freedom

I’m Okay February 18, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 4:53 pm

It’s been four months since I moved back to Ardmore.  My life is completely different than what it was a year ago.  Most everything has changed…including me.  I’ve most definitely learned a lot during this time of my life.  It’s been eye opening and freeing.  I never expected my life to quite turn out this way.  I really never thought I would be in this place.  When I said my vows I meant them.  I guess everybody does.  I don’t believe anyone goes into marriage with the thought that it won’t last forever.  Except maybe Brittany Spears that time she got married in Vegas.  Anyway, I believe that Clint meant it to.  We had the best intentions and we loved each other and wanted to be with each other forever.  That was the plan.  Life doesn’t always go as planned.  Things happen, people change and somewhere along the road you start becoming someone different.  You wake up one day and realize you don’t recognize this person you married and you don’t know who the hell you are anymore either.  At least that’s how things happened for me.  There were a lot of things going on in my marriage that ultimately led to it falling apart.  I don’t blame Clint and I don’t blame me either.  I started blaming both of us but what good does that do?  It is what it is.  Things happen.  We gave it our best shot and it just didn’t work.  We were unhappy and after a certain point we knew we couldn’t get it back.  We knew it was best to move forward while we could still be friends.  Bow out gracefully before we started resenting each other and becoming bitter and angry about the situation. 

I was scared. Really scared.  Clint had been my security and I really didn’t know how to live being dependent only on me.  It hasn’t been easy but I have done it.  I have been able to be in control of my money and have budgeted.  I have learned more and done more by myself than ever before.  I have figured things out on my own.  I have cried and thrown fits because it’s been hard not knowing how to do certain “man” things but I have gotten through it.  I have pushed through.  I somehow survived only seeing Carson on the weekends for a couple of months.  That was horrible but looking back I realize I needed that time to just be.  Just grieve and get myself together.

Four months later I am happier and stronger than I have ever been.  When I smile it’s because I’m happy not because I feel obligated.  I laugh louder and feel more relaxed.  I feel okay.  I feel empowered.  I feel more confident in myself.    I feel like this was the best decision we could have made.  It hasn’t been easy and I still have days where I want my family back and I miss Clint.  I try not to dwell on what could have been but instead I try to focus on how wonderful things are now.  How good I feel now.  So if you are wondering how I am…don’t worry about me.  I’m okay.  I’ve got my head held high and moving forward.  If you’re wondering what I’m doing…I’m busy getting stronger.

 

Fun Facts February 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 8:57 pm

So previously I wrote a blog entitled “If you really knew me” well, this blog is going to be the fun facts addition.  It’s time to tell the world just a little bit more about yours truly.

I grew up dreaming about the day I would have a collie dog.  I finally got her almost two years ago.  She is just as wonderful as I thought she would be.

I have two best friends, Erin and Soper, who are my rock and I could not make it without their support.  I don’t live in the same town with either one of them.  Such a bummer.

My guilty pleasure is The Jersey Shore.  I know it’s trashy but I can’t stop watching.

I have a special talent.  I can jump over my own foot.  If you haven’t seen me do it…it’s amazing.

Once when I ran out of gas I accepted a ride from a stranger.  Before I got in the car I asked him if he was going to kill me.

I love to shop.  I could do it everyday.

I seriously love to camp.  Nothing quite satisfies like a roasted marshmallow.

When I get nervous, I sneeze.  A lot.

I hate to pump gas and I always feel like someone is staring at me like I’m stupid or doing it the wrong way.

I used to have a large Beanie Baby collection.

I’m really clumsy and am always running into walls or doors.

My biggest fear is that I may smell bad.  The best compliment anyone could give me is to say that I smell good.

I desperately wish I could walk in really high heels and look sexy while doing it but I can’t.

When I was in elementary school I was a really fast runner.  At least that’s how I remember it.

I’m not a sports person but I get really competitive with board games.  When it comes to Uno Attack…don’t mess with me.

I sing really loud while driving.

I’m not a great driver.  Ask my Dad.

I still sleep with the blanket I had when I was a baby.  Don’t hate.

The only real field trip I remember from elementary school was the trip to the sewer plant.  Who takes a bunch of third graders to the sewer plant?  It was disturbing.

Sometimes I still wish I had a pair of roller skates.  I was a pro when I was a kid and even beat the limbo champ once at Skateland.  It was awesome.

There you have it.  A little bit more about me.

 

It’s been a long road January 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 10:22 pm

In less than a week a jury will decide what happens to my son.  I am nervous, scared, stressed and bit overwhelmed with the whole situation.  I don’t know anyone else who has walked through this and I have no idea what to expect.

I have waited a long time for this happen.  DHS began telling us more than two years ago that a termination hearing would take place and after such a long road we are finally here.  I am pretty confident that things will go as planned and the way that we have been told that it will go but there are no guarantees.  My son’s future will be placed in twelve strangers hands. 

I am feeling every kind of emotion possible.  I am happy for me but sad for his biological mother.  It makes me sad for her because she really believes that she could do it and really has no sense of reality when it comes to this situation.  It worries me because of all the threats she has made.  If they do terminate will this send her completely over the edge?  Will she really try something crazy?  Will she try to find us?  I am relieved that we have finally reached this point and I am beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel.  I can finally give in to the thought that this time next year DHS could possibly be out of my life.  I am stressed because I could possibly have to testify.  I can see myself becoming completely flustered and anxious, red face and all.  It’s overwhelming and a little heartbreaking because this was something that Clint and I thought we would be doing together.  Raising our son together, not separately.  Most of all I am just really nervous.  I am nervous and panicky because I have absolutely no control over this situation.  It’s completely out of my hands.  These are the times that my anxiety really kicks in.  It’s hard.  I don’t trust the jury because I don’t know them.  I don’t trust “the system” because in my opinion it has failed so many.  I don’t trust Carson’s lawyer because she is court appointed and acts like she couldn’t care less.  All I can do it trust God and believe that he would not give Carson to me just to have him taken away three years later.  I trust that God knows what is best for Carson. 

I am asking that if you are reading this to please say a prayer for Carson, his biological mother and father and Clint and I.  Thank you to all of you that have continued to support us through this.  Words cannot express how grateful I am for the prayers and support.  It means so much to me.

 

One Word January 3, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 1:35 am

I love the beginning of a new year.  It’s so refreshing.  A chance to start over.  This year I have decided to do something a little different.  I got this idea from the radio station KLOVE.  Instead of making a long list of resolutions I am giving myself one word to live by for 2011.  Sure I have some goals in mind for the new year.  I do want to shed this winter weight but realistically I have so many other things going on I know I don’t have the time or energy to focus on it.  I am sure when it is time to put on that bathing suit again I will make it a priority.  Anyway, back to what I was saying…my one word.  I put a lot of thought into this and I originally thought my word for 2011 would be joy.  But I thought some more and then I prayed and then I thought some more.  My word for 2011…the word that I want to live by…the word I will focus on is…free. 

Yes, free.  I’m sure some of you reading this think that this is my word because now I am a single girl which that may have a little something to do with it but I really want to take it much deeper than that.  What does it really look like to live freely?  What does it feel like to really be free?  To let go.  To be free…that is what I want.  To live free.

I want to free myself from thinking about what everyone else is thinking about me.

I want to feel freedom to be myself.

I want to be free from all those rules that I have allowed religious people to set for me.

I want to be free from thinking that everything always has to be perfect.

I want freedom in worship.

I want to be free to love with my whole heart.

I want to feel free to laugh and dance and sing.

This year I want it all.  I want the kind of freedom that I have never allowed myself to have.  I want to find true happiness and joy and I know that can be found in real freedom.  I have some big things coming up in 2011 but every step of the way I want to walk through it feeling free.  I’m ready for this change.  I am ready for 2011.  Bring it!!

 

My Top Ten December 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 12:09 am

It’s no secret.  I LOVE Christmas movies.  Call me a dork.  Call me cheezy.  I just can’t help it.  I love me some christmas movies!  So I thought I would give you a list of my top ten most favorite Christmas movies.  It was hard to narrow down but here they are in no particular order because I love them all the same.

1.  A Charlie Brown Christmas.  I tear up every time I see Linus standing there with his blanket explaining to Charlie Brown what Christmas is all about.  This year I bought the Charlie Brown Christmas tree at Hobby Lobby.  Love it.

2.  Fred Clause.  Vince Vaughn is hilarious in this movie.

3.  The Holiday.  I love this movie because it is the perfect romantic comedy for Christmas.  And Kate Winslet…LOVE her!!!

4.  It’s A Wonderful Life.  Come on, this is on everyone’s top ten.  It’s a classic.

5.  The Santa Clause.  I really like the first one and the second and third aren’t so bad either.  Thank you ABC Family for showing them all in a row!! 

6.  A Very Brady Christmas.  I can’t help it.  I mean, who doesn’t love seeing the Brady’s all grown up and coming back together for Christmas?  Tell me you don’t tear up when Mike is trapped in the rubble and the crowd starts singing “O Come All Ye Faithful” and then he bravely walks out.  I know, I tear up too.  It’s okay.

7.  How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  I’m talking about the little thirty minute cartoon one.  That’s the best. 

8.  A Christmas Story.  I love this movie because no matter how many times I see it, it still cracks me up.

9.  Home Alone.  Just the first one.  I loved this movie as a kid.  I still love it.

10.  The Polar Express.  Ah…I think this movie is so sweet.  I would love to take Carson on one of those Polar Express train rides that they do.  I don’t know if it would be more for me or him.  I mean, who wouldn’t love getting on a train in your pj’s, drinking hot chocolate and singing songs?  Sounds wonderful to me!

So, there you have it!  My top ten.  If you haven’t seen these wonderful Christmas movies then I highly suggest them to you this holiday season.  I am also open for suggestions.  I want to hear about your favorite Christmas movies too!!!

 

Grateful November 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 12:40 am

I love Thanksgiving.  I really do.  It is my most favorite holiday.  I love it beacause it’s kind of like Christmas with all the yummy food but you don’t have the stress of buying presents.  Don’t get me wrong I love Christmas too but Thanksgiving just brings me 100%  joy.

This year I still wanted to cook the big Thanksgiving feast. Clint and Carson came over and we enjoyed all the yummy food.  I really do love to cook the big dinner.  The pies.  All of it.  It brings me so much joy and relaxation.  So I didn’t mind doing it for just the three of us.  Plus, it gave us plenty of leftovers to eat on all weekend.  I think I like the leftovers better than the first time around actually.  Strange, I know.

Anyway, around this time of year I always try to take the time to reflect and think about those things that I am truly grateful for.  It’s always good to pause and really thank God for all those things that He has blessed us with.  So this year I know I have so much to be thankful for.  It’s been a tough year, with lots of changes but I believe that God has taken care of me every step of the way.  So here it is.  My list of those things that I am so so incredibly grateful for.

1.  My friends.  I know, I know…everyone says this and has it on their list but seriously I could not have made through this year without my friends.  I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot of friends but the few that I do have mean the world to me.  Soper, Erin, Keri…those girls have supported me through everything.  I love you fabulous ladies!!!

2.  My job.  It is truly a gift from God.

3.  My cozy little house.  Another blessing that God has given me.  I know he provided me with that perfect little house and I am so in love with my new little home.  It’s been my little sanctuary and a place where I can heal.

4.  My family.  They’re the best.  Seriously.

5.  WOW church.  I can not even express to you the freedom I have found in this little place.  The spirit of these people reminds me of the very spirit of Jesus and that has been so refreshing.  They don’t know it but they have already given me so much in such a short amount of time.

6.  My animals.  Call me weird but I also believe that God was the one who worked everything out so I could bring my animals to Ardmore with me.  It may be something small to most but to me it was huge.  They bring me so much joy.

7.  Carson.  He is the brightest little light in my life and he is the reason I do everything I do.

8.  Clint.  People just don’t want to believe that Clint and I can still be friends after everything but we are.  I am truly grateful for our friendship and the wonderful father that he is to Carson.

9.  I am beyond grateful because I have everything that I need.  Food, clothes, a house, a car…just the basics that so many people struggle to have.  I know it could just as easily be me out there somewhere struggeling so I don’t ever want to take for granted just those basic everyday things that I have been blessed with.

10.  God.  When the decision was made that I would move back to Ardmore I really believed that God was not going to take care of me.  I was told that I was wrong and not in God’s will and if I moved then I should be prepared to experience God’s wrath.  Sounds so dramatic but someone  did tell me that and I kind of believed them.  But I have found just the oppisite to be true.  God has taken care of me more than I could have ever expected.  My job, my house…there is just no other way to explain it except that God just worked it out for me. God is taking care of the situation with Carson.  He is still blessing us and I believe I am exactly where God wants me.  I have the kind of peace that can only come from Him.  I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for the love, grace and mercy of God.  All I can say is it is truly amazing when you think you have God figured out and then He shows you who He really is. 

Well, there you have it.  My top ten.  I love thinking about all those wonderful things in my life.  It brings a smile everytime.  I am blessed.  Truly blessed beyond measure.

 

Craziness November 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — bethany @ 10:50 pm

Wow, my life  has been crazy!  My apologies for not documenting it all.  A lot has happened in my life the past three weeks.  In the past three weeks I have started a new job, driven back and forth between here and durant a countless number of times, rented a house, set up everything for the new house all by myself (gas, electrc, water…) depleated my entire savings, packed, moved, unpacked, halloween and have tried to sleep a little bit in there somewhere.  Whew…I must say, I am pretty exhausted.  So that’s why my blog hasn’t been updated.  Just not enough hours in the day.  But I have thought about it.  I have blogged in my head a lot.  Does that count for anything?

So, first things first, I LOVE my new job!  I am not just saying that.  I really do!  I think I am going to be really happy there and I am so thankful that I have been given this opportunity.

I have found the perfect house for me.  It’s tiny but perfect.  I love it!  I promise pictures will come soon! 

Carson is doing okay.  I am really ready to get him down here with me.  I worry about him.  I hate that he has to go through this.  It’s heartbreaking really.  He seems fine for the most part then he has those moments where you can tell he has some kind of undertanding of what is going on and he cries.  He cries a lot.  It breaks my heart and I try to be strong for him and tell him everything is going to be okay.  I try not to cry too.  Okay, I did cry but just once.  I try to be positive, happy and excited when I talk to him.  I hate this for him.  I really do.

Things will get better.  I feel exhausted but I feel happier too.  It’s nice to be back in Ardmore again.  The people here are so different than the people in Durant.  I feel like I fit in a lot better here.  I love my co-workers.  We get along so well and I feel like I can completelybe myself around them.  It’s nice.  I like being at my house.  It’s cozy.  I really miss Carson and wish he was here but I know that soon enough he will be and I can not wait!!  Been taking this alone time that I have and really been focusing on working on me.  Been doing a lot of reading and praying.  A little bit of writing.  It’s been good.  I really do feel happier.  I have sad moments and then I have a good cry and I feel better.  I am telling myself just to feel what I need to feel.  It’s okay.  It’s okay to grieve over the loss of my marriage and it’s also okay to be  happy about starting over too.  Who knows what life has in store for me next but I feel like I am on the right path.  I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. 

Well, that’s all I got for now.  I promise when life settles down for me I will be better about updating.  Going to head to the house, cook some ramen noodles, get cozy with my dog and watch my dvd of The Cosby Show.  Life has certainly changed but it’s okay.  It’s still good.