It’s been four months since I moved back to Ardmore. My life is completely different than what it was a year ago. Most everything has changed…including me. I’ve most definitely learned a lot during this time of my life. It’s been eye opening and freeing. I never expected my life to quite turn out this way. I really never thought I would be in this place. When I said my vows I meant them. I guess everybody does. I don’t believe anyone goes into marriage with the thought that it won’t last forever. Except maybe Brittany Spears that time she got married in Vegas. Anyway, I believe that Clint meant it to. We had the best intentions and we loved each other and wanted to be with each other forever. That was the plan. Life doesn’t always go as planned. Things happen, people change and somewhere along the road you start becoming someone different. You wake up one day and realize you don’t recognize this person you married and you don’t know who the hell you are anymore either. At least that’s how things happened for me. There were a lot of things going on in my marriage that ultimately led to it falling apart. I don’t blame Clint and I don’t blame me either. I started blaming both of us but what good does that do? It is what it is. Things happen. We gave it our best shot and it just didn’t work. We were unhappy and after a certain point we knew we couldn’t get it back. We knew it was best to move forward while we could still be friends. Bow out gracefully before we started resenting each other and becoming bitter and angry about the situation.
I was scared. Really scared. Clint had been my security and I really didn’t know how to live being dependent only on me. It hasn’t been easy but I have done it. I have been able to be in control of my money and have budgeted. I have learned more and done more by myself than ever before. I have figured things out on my own. I have cried and thrown fits because it’s been hard not knowing how to do certain “man” things but I have gotten through it. I have pushed through. I somehow survived only seeing Carson on the weekends for a couple of months. That was horrible but looking back I realize I needed that time to just be. Just grieve and get myself together.
Four months later I am happier and stronger than I have ever been. When I smile it’s because I’m happy not because I feel obligated. I laugh louder and feel more relaxed. I feel okay. I feel empowered. I feel more confident in myself. I feel like this was the best decision we could have made. It hasn’t been easy and I still have days where I want my family back and I miss Clint. I try not to dwell on what could have been but instead I try to focus on how wonderful things are now. How good I feel now. So if you are wondering how I am…don’t worry about me. I’m okay. I’ve got my head held high and moving forward. If you’re wondering what I’m doing…I’m busy getting stronger.